Learning To Grieve As Those With Hope

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope”

(1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I cannot recall how many times I have quoted this verse and the verses that follow it to someone facing grief, in the aftermath of losing a believing loved one. Those words from the Apostle Paul, “…that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope,” have always struck me as encouraging in the face of loss.  

While these are in fact words of encouragement (which we know because Paul says as much in verse 18 “Therefore encourage one another with these words”), I had not previously considered the depths of the difficulty, the work, the struggle, the turmoil, the pain, and the sadness that comes with grief. However, my family now traverses the floor of the valley of the shadow of death. We are all too well acquainted with deep grief.  

The darkness that surrounds the sudden loss of Winnie Kate often seems as though it is going to overtake us. At times, it appears suddenly, without warning, through painful memories, or something as simple as seeing her toothbrush (maybe we will get around to removing it one day), or thoughts about the future that won’t include her. Other times, it’s more like a cloud of darkness that follows us around. In those moments, I find myself longing to weep yet unable to do so. This too is a cruel companion.  

While I know that God, according to His sovereignty and providence, chose this path for us, I cannot help but beg Him to take away our grief. Why do we have to suffer great loss and great grief? Why won’t You replace our grief with peace, immediately? These questions and more like them plague my heart and mind as I observe daily the grief of three young boys and the very best mother.  

And just about the time my heart and mind begin to spiral out of control, just as I try to take sovereignty and providence into my own hands, as if I know better than God how to wield such power, just as I teeter on the edge of sin, and possible ruin—all because of one five letter word: grief—I am reminded of Paul’s incredible encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Thessalonica. “Brothers, do not grieve as others do who have no hope,” or to word it in the positive, “grieve, brothers, as those with hope.” Grieve with hope. 

Hope. If “hope” merely means to make a wish, as in “I hope I get a hippopotamus for Christmas,” then my boys, my wife, and I are, of all people, to be pitied. But God’s hope is not based on “wishing upon a star” or some other silly desire for luck to turn the right way. God’s hope is based upon Himself, His promises, His actions, and His Word.  

Christian hope is the “expectation of good.” Especially the eternal good of salvation—for this, we joyfully and confidently expect God to deliver (because His Word is sure).  

In Christian hope, we can confidently say, “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Though my family has been called by God, according to His purpose, to traverse the valley of death, with what feels like insurmountable grief, we are trusting that He is good, keeping His promise to work this together for our good.  

In Christian hope, we can believe without fear of shame, Paul’s words to the Corinthian believers, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Though what we see is terribly bleak at the moment, God’s Word is a sure and steady anchor for our souls, binding us in hope to that which is unseen, an eternal weight of glory prepared for us by our good God through this affliction. The affliction isn’t a by-product; it’s the conduit for eternal glory.  

In Christian hope, we desperately and dependently recall King David’s words, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). We are not in the valley of the shadow of death alone. We are with the One who is Himself deeply acquainted with grief and death. The One who now lives in Heaven, dwelling at the right hand of the Father. He is our Great Shepherd. As His sheep, we know His voice. We will know His comfort too, during these dark days.  

Because of these truths, we know that the light will break. The sun will rise in the valley. The shadows will be washed away by His glory. Comfort will come. Peace will come. Grief will not have the last word; hope will. I am learning to trust that the One who holds my daughter now holds my wife, my sons, and me in His arms of comfort.

How You Can Pray For Us

Brothers and sisters, please keep us in prayer. Pray for us to grieve with hope (1 Thess 4:13). Pray for us to know God’s peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:6-7). Pray for the God of all comfort to comfort us now (2 Cor 1:3-4).

You Are In Good Hands

Thank you all for your continued prayers, support, and love. We cannot imagine going through this without such a wonderful church family around us. We love you all dearly.  

Finally, I want to thank Alan, Jasper, Steve, and James for picking up my slack in my current absence. One of my great joys in life is pastoring NLCC. I love you all so much. It has been incredibly hard on me to step away, but it has been incredibly good for me and my family. I am simply unable to muster the emotional, physical, or spiritual strength to pastor you all. I know the Lord will renew my strength and I will return to my post when the time is right. Until then, it brings me peace knowing these men are pastoring you all now. You are in good hands.  

In the love of Christ,
Kyle 

Resources

Here are a couple of resources that we have found particularly helpful during this time. Maybe they will serve you and your family also.

1. Grieving: Your Path Back to Peace – James White | This book has helped me understand grief and its various ups and downs, what is healthy and what isn’t. I highly encourage everyone to read it, not only for your own grief but to help others in theirs also. Bonus: at just over 70 pages, it’s mercifully short. 

2. (Children’s Book) The Moon is Always Round – Jonathan Gibson | This wonderful resource shows parents in a few short pages how to lead their children through grief with hope. Using the moon, Gibson helps his son navigate the loss of his baby sister by encouraging him to remember that “God is always good.” It’s become a repeated statement in our home.